P.K.s and the Holidays
As I have the privilege of talking to young pastors, one of the topics that always comes up is their children. They want to know, “How do I raise my kids in the fishbowl of the pastorate so that they won’t grow up to resent the church? Or even worse, reject the faith?”
It’s not easy being a P.K. – a pastor’s kid. They’ve worn the stereotypes of rebellious troublemakers on one hand or goody-two-shoes on the other. There are a lot of expectations and pressures put on kids in the ministry. And the price they pay - socially, emotionally, and spiritually - because of their dad or mom’s job, is enormous.
It’s not easy being a P.K. – a pastor’s kid. The price they pay - socially, emotionally, and spiritually – because of their dad or mom’s job, is enormous.
Parenting in the pastorate is clearly a topic that deserves numerous blog posts. So, hopefully, this is just the first of many more to come.
Now, I’ve never been a P.K. I don’t have firsthand experience to draw from. So, I decided to go to the experts. My own children.
My wife and I were blessed to raise three P.K.s. They literally grew up in the church I pastored for 35 years. Today they are 39 (Jennifer), 37 (Jim), and 35 (Jeff). I’m grateful beyond words that we all remain close and they each love the Lord.
Make no mistake, this is by God’s grace. My wife and I certainly didn’t parent perfectly. And I’m sure each of my children could offer some insights into wounds they received along the way (something I will address in future posts.)
But as I got to thinking about Christmas and family, I began wondering what it was like for my daughter and sons to be a P.K. during the holidays. So, over this past Thanksgiving, I sat down with my kids and asked them about it.
Here are some of their reflections:
Reflections from Our P.K.s
“The holidays brought a sense of strong anticipation. Christmas loomed large in light of the role it played for the church. Yet rather than diminishing my excitement, it increased it.”
“I felt like the various church activities were a welcome part of our family tradition rather than a rival to it. Christmas musicals and Christmas Eve services were right in there with decorating the tree and making cookies.”
“I loved being part of the events – the musicals, services, caroling, etc. Not because I had to – I never felt that pressure. But because I wanted to. They were a lot of fun.”
“We grew up never feeling like family took a back seat to the church because Dad and Mom were committed to prioritizing it. That wasn’t just something they said. It was just what they did.”
To be sure, we live in a different day. The pace and pressure of the ’80s and ’90s were not the same as in 2019. The distractions of social media and cell phones were unknown. The time demands of sports were not as high.
Yet, giving assent to that, when asked what transferable principles they might offer to pastors of today, my kids suggested the following:
Holiday Advice for Raising P.K.s
“Don’t compromise the family traditions that make the holidays special and memorable. Plan for them and don’t let them become an afterthought. The repeating of these traditions year after year brought a sense of security.”
Holiday advice for raising PKs: Don’t let the family traditions that make the holidays special and memorable become an afterthought.
“Make sure these traditions (cookie making, tree decorating, advent calendar unveiling) take place when EVERYONE is there. Move the time, if necessary, to make sure that Dad is present.”
“Own your responsibilities to the church. We understand that you have them and respect you for honoring them. But at the same time, own your responsibilities to your family. Respect and honor them no less.”
“Right-size ‘success’ for the holidays. It will be easy for a pastor to make all sorts of sacrifices and spend all kinds of time to attend every activity and offer a ‘killer’ Christmas service. At the end of the day, very few people will remember that. But your family will remember whether you were there for them – not only physically but emotionally.”
Holiday advice for raising PKs: Right-size "success." At the end of the day, very few people will remember the services and programs you sacrificed to lead. But your family will remember whether you were there for them.
“Allow for sprinkles of whimsy and don’t fall prey to legalism. We knew the difference between Jesus and Santa, but we still enjoyed the freedom to allow for the ‘non-spiritual’ to have a place in our home and celebration.”
So there you have it. I have to admit that I did this interview with a bit of apprehension. I thought that I would hear some “negatives.” Yet, to my surprise, I didn’t.
Perhaps that’s due to the fact that as adults (and parents) they have the perspective that time and experience bring. But perhaps it’s also due to a few key decisions that my wife and I made along the way. In either case, I am so very thankful for how things turned out.
Perhaps you have some additional ideas as to how you’re making the most of the holidays with your kids. I’d love to hear about them. Use the comment section below to offer them.
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