Saying No in a Yes World
One of the greatest privileges of pastoring is the opportunity to say “yes” to folks.
“I’m looking for guidance regarding my future. Will you help me?” “Yes.”
“We’ve bought a new house. Will you come pray over it?” “Yes.”
“Our marriage is in trouble. Can you meet with us?” “Yes.”
“I’d love to add a devotional to our company Christmas party. Could you attend and share for a few minutes?” “Yes.”
“I’m starting a new ministry and would like to tell you about it. Can we meet?” “Yes.”
“My daughter is getting married. We’d like you to officiate. Please say yes.” “Yes.”
Good things. God things.
And because of that, I want to say yes to everyone. They are so eager for my time. They so value my attention. They so seek my counsel. I hate saying “No” to any of them.
Yet, one thing I came to see in the “Yes” world of pastoring is that a key to effective leadership is learning to say “No.” Indeed, if you don’t add this word to your vocabulary, you will soon find your schedule exploding out of control.
In the “Yes” world of pastoring, a key to effective leadership is learning to say “No.” Indeed, if you don’t, you will soon find your schedule exploding out of control.
Most of us understand that…at least theoretically.
The greater question, then, becomes HOW to say “No.” How does one give a response that he/she knows won’t be popular? Here are a few thoughts:
Step One: Affirm their desire (and yours).
When someone asks you for something, try starting the conversation or email with something like “I’m so privileged to be asked. I’d love to meet with you.” or “Sounds like you could use some help. I’d like to be of assistance.” or “What an exciting idea! I appreciate you sharing it with me.”
I would hope these statements are true (And it’s almost always true in my case…I want to meet with far more people than I can).
Such a positive immediate response lets people know that you are honored at their request and that you do in fact care about them. And it begins the conversation with a yes, not a no.
Step Two: Clarify their intention.
After hearing a request, take a few moments to clarify what exactly they are asking for. This will allow you to discern whether it’s something you should do before deciding if it’s something you could do.
For example, how does this request fit in with the rest of your calendar (Is this a light season or a heavy one?)? Can a written response suffice or do they want a face-to-face? Is this a one-shot meeting or an ongoing obligation?
Step Three: Request a follow-up.
Back when I was actively pastoring, I would get requests almost every week when folks would see me on Sundays. My response was always the same (and smile when you say this!): “You know, this day my mind is on what’s about to come in the services. I can’t give you an answer to your request and probably won’t remember it tomorrow anyway.”
Then I would tell them to send an email or make a call to the receptionist to see about the possibility of setting up a meeting (Have the email or phone number handy.)
Believe it or not, over half never made the contact. I can only assume that either I wasn’t the only solution to the issue or it wasn’t quite as pressing as they’d let on.
Step Four: Redirect them.
If the email or voice mail does come and offers more detail, I’ve instructed my office staff to redirect the request when possible. “Pastor Dave doesn’t handle benevolence requests – those go to our social services folks. May I connect you?” or “Potential ministry support is handled by our missions department. Would you like a name?” or “The first step toward being married here is a conversation with our wedding coordinator. Here’s her number.”
If the person is insistent and demands to speak with me, I will often redirect them myself. A bridge sentence helps so much here.
Something like “That’s such an important issue that others have faced as well. We have individuals who could help you much better than I could,” or “I think I know someone who could serve you better…let me put you in touch with them.”
Step Five: Be firm in your refusal.
You will get a few who insist and persist. At that point you will have to hold your ground. Don’t be afraid to do so. “While I’d love to get together, I’m afraid I can’t…” or “I’m afraid my schedule just isn’t going to allow it. I’m so sorry.”
This won’t be easy. All too many expect their pastor to end up saying “Yes” even after an initial “No”…especially if they push the issue. And when they don’t get it, be prepared for indignation, if not accusation.
Step Six: Remain gracious.
Always. No matter how they react to your “No,” look for ways to end the discussion with affirmation of who they are and what they mean to you.
When saying “No,” remain gracious. Always. No matter how they react to your “No,” look for ways to end the discussion with affirmation of who they are and what they mean to you.
Just because you couldn’t help them doesn’t mean their request isn’t valid. So thank them for being passionate about the issue or reaching out for help. You may deny the request, but you want to honor the relationship.
I know what you’re thinking – but what if you miss some great opportunities by saying no too often? What if you get it wrong and you should have met with someone?
Well, that’s part of the challenge of leadership. You don’t always get it right. So, give yourself some grace as well. Learn what you can and try to do better next time.
Saying “No” is one of the most difficult aspects of leadership. But you can get better at it. And still be nice about it.
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