The Unsent Angry Letter
A few years back, Maria Konnikova wrote an article in the New York Times titled, “The Lost Art of the Unsent Angry Letter.” The idea is that if you’re upset at something or someone, you write a detailed, unedited response – and then you stick it in a drawer until you’ve cooled off.
President Abraham Lincoln may be the most prominent proponent of this. He called them “hot letters.” It was a cathartic exercise whereby, upon receiving bad news or a negative report, he would pour out all his indignation and exasperation on paper. Then, after his emotions had cooled, he would write at the top of it, “Never sent. Never signed.”
Lincoln was hardly unique. The stashed vent has a venerable tradition among statesmen and public figures. Mark Twain, Winston Churchill, and Harry Truman are on a long list of individuals who testified to the tactic’s efficacy. It serves as a type of emotional release to let out your anger, hurt, and frustration without the repercussions of true engagement.
The Cost of Clicking Reply
In theory, the tool is as intact as ever: When you’re angry, write a letter. Then, let it sit. By the time you revisit, you’ll be able to discern the difference between a reasoned response and a regrettable reaction.
In practice, however, 200 years of technological progress have undoubtedly left their mark on what used to be a pen-and-paper exercise. Konnikova writes:
Now we need only click a reply button to rattle off our displeasures. And in the heat of the moment, we find the line between an appropriate response and one that needs a cooling-off period blurring. We toss our reflexive anger out there, but we do it publicly, without the private buffer that once would have let us separate what needed to be said from what needed only to be felt.
"Now we need only click a reply button to rattle off our displeasures...without the private buffer that once would have let us separate what needed to be said from what needed only to be felt." – Maria Konnikova
We see this all the time, don’t we? Emails that are fired off in the heat of the moment. Posts on social media that seem to have had little to no filter.
And, all too often, with the result of regret…and shame. Or worse yet, broken relationships that may never heal.
Slow to Speak
The 16th president was onto something with his practice of the unsent angry letter. And, when you stop to think about it, it’s not a bad way to put James 1:19 into practice: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
Another president, Calvin Coolidge, recognized the value of this. A man of few words, Coolidge was known as “Silent Cal.” In defense of his behavior, he once said, “I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” – Calvin Coolidge
Hmmm. Now that’s something to think about.
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